Don't write for success

On falling back in love with writing

My first full-length novel was a fan fiction.

Like many young writers, I dreamed of publishing my first novel. I started story after story but never made it past the first fifty pages. Every time I got stuck again, my dream seemed further away. How could I become a published author if I couldn’t even finish a first draft?

I was determined to figure out what was wrong. I studied the craft to try to understand why I was getting stuck. I forced myself to sit at my desk and eke out the next scene, but sheer willpower never worked for long. My self-doubt only grew. I dreaded writing, my stomach twisting into knots whenever I thought about it.

Finally, I realized I might be pushing myself too hard. I decided to take a break. I put all my works-in-progress in a trunk (yes, I have a literal trunk for all my trunked writing) and didn’t write a word of fiction for months. The trunk loomed in the corner of my room, and the more time passed, the scarier the possibility of opening it became.

The joy of wasting time

Around this time, a friend introduced me to a new anime. We binged the show in two weeks, but both hated the ending. “Here’s how I think it should’ve ended,” I said, laying out my case for what the writers should’ve done. “That’s really good,” my friend said. “I wish you’d written it.”

Why couldn’t I write it? I’d never written fan fiction before, but I had friends who did. Besides, it wasn’t like I was writing anything else.

Ignoring my trunk, I bought a fresh notebook and started scribbling. My alternate ending grew longer and more complicated as the days passed.

At first, I felt silly. Why was I wasting time with this? By definition, fan fiction was unpublishable. At best, I could anonymously share it on a forum someday. It was never going to help my writing career.

Still, I kept going. After so many fits and starts, it felt good just to write. I’d been trying to establish a daily writing habit for years, but now it felt natural. I looked forward to sitting down at my desk every day for one simple reason — I was having fun!

You like to write, don’t you?

Remember when writing used to be fun? We become writers because we like to write. At some point, many of us get caught up in the pressure of finishing a massive project. Writing an entire novel is an enormous undertaking, especially for a beginner. Meanwhile, everyone tells us it’s nearly impossible to get published (the dreaded odds again!) We need to network, we need a platform, and the pressure only builds.

I wonder if that’s why procrastination is a common curse for writers. I know many talented writers who struggle with motivation and quickly burn out on projects. I think we’re psyching ourselves out. There’s no room for joy when we’re trying to beat the odds.

Writing fan fiction was a welcome break from the rat race. For three months, I enjoyed playing in the sandbox this show provided. My finished draft was 60,000 words—novel length. I’d finished my first novel.

I put the finished manuscript into my trunk, where it remains. I never shared it with anyone else because I didn’t need to. This project was just for me.

Not long after, I started a new story. In about three months, I completed another novel-length draft, only this time, the story was entirely my own. I finished it because I knew I could. I’d already done the impossible thing once.

Enjoy the process

I found myself thinking about this experience recently. I’ve been on Substack for less than two months and already have over sixty subscribers. After years of blogging on Medium and WordPress with fewer than ten followers, I had no expectations. I wasn’t looking for success on Substack. I just wanted a place to explore ideas and share stories.

When I wrote on Medium, I entertained grand visions of writing a viral article, building a following, and maybe even making enough to quit my day job. That thinking completely killed my creativity. Like with my early novels, I put too much pressure on myself. Every article had to be worthy of the grand dream I was building on top of it. Ultimately, I only wrote a handful of articles before quietly giving up.

Substack is different. I came in with low expectations and started writing for fun. That’s the difference.

Don’t get me wrong. I still dream of publishing a novel and living off my writing. But I have time. Time to learn, grow, experiment, and play. I don’t need to figure it all out today, this week, or even this decade.

Maybe some writers handle the pressure better than I do (and if you’re one of them, please let me know how you do it!). I’m learning to work towards my dreams without being paralyzed by them. I’m seeing with my own eyes what happens when I write from a place of love and joy. That’s where the magic is!